The Caves

Ben and I read the map wrong and thought our trip to the caves were about 8 km away. About 25 km and a set of broken handle bars later, we arrived at the hot springs and caves. We saw this group of Western men sitting at this table looking exhausted. They had taken a motorbike there and were just that tired from climbing up, down, and through the mountain and caves. Oh boy, Ben is going to kill me.

We hired a tour guide (a plastered adolescent who spoke Thai to us non-stop regardless of us not understanding a word of what he was slurring). Before we even got to the mountain, we ran into the guide’s young friends, our guide chugged half a bottle of some "thai whiskey" then they offered Ben some of their whiskey (which actually turned out to taste like a cheap watery gas station wine). It was a long climb up, but once we got inside the mountain it was fantastic. We climbed through these tight enclosed spaces and down rickety stair cases. Everything was lit up by spaced out lamps (lots of extension cords). There were plenty of cool looking rock formations, stalagmites and stalactites, and lots of bats (and bat poop). There was a rock where you could see your hand through it.

About an hour into it we reached the deepest point and had to circle around this rock formation 3 times for good luck. At which point, all the lights in the cave started to flicker on and off leaving us in temporary darkness, was this supposed to be our good luck? There was a small cave lake at the bottom and the guide and I went into it. The guide drank from the pond (so did Ben) and I washed my face. About half way in my feet began to sink into the muck at the bottom and I kept losing my shoes and then my feet were getting stuck. It felt like quicksand. I was up to my waist in the water and the guide (half the size of my big self) was up to his shoulders. We were inside a dark crevasse and I could not see much of anything it was so dark. A couple bats whizzed by me. I kept expecting to hear “Precious” and see Sméagol and his ring. Once we turned around and reached shallower land, the guide pointed at this hardened pile and said “Bat guano”. Well, Ben had drunk bat shit (hehe) and I had smeared it all over my face. Not to mention that bat poop, or muck was all over my feet and shoes. When we left the cave lake and headed back out, my sandals would harden and dry, but then I’d put my freshly covered bat guano feet in them and it was like walking on a slip and slide. I just went barefoot the rest of the hour long hike back out of the caves.

On the way out our guide took the offerings laid by other visitors for the cave gods and pocketed it. We made it out of the cave with no incidents and Ben was even able to take another drink from the local boys on our way back to the hot springs. The guide found it hilariously amusing that we had biked to the caves and kept asking us with gestures if we were biking home and telling everyone. Ben and I both, with a large amount of common sense, both scalded our hands when we dipped them into the hot spring. This nice Thai woman handed us both an orange for the road and we were the spectacle of the Thai hot spring picnic crowd. Everyone waved us off.

Dirty, a little tired, and burnt, we set off for home with just a little bit of daylight left. The last km we ate a few mayflies while batting them from our faces, hair and eyes. This random swarm of flies infested Mae Sot for a day and then left. After a total of 50 km, we made it to our favorite pad Thai place in Mae Sot, yummy. We treated ourselves to a Thai massage. I don’t know if I’ve ever laughed so much. Between Ben’s facial expressions, the intense positions, the Thai TV station we had in the background, the chili pepper in our eyes (someone was cooking in the back and we all started to cough and cry from the particles floating in the air). The Thai mother and daughter joked I would be able to dance later and that Ben would probably not be able to walk. He got about 3 cramps throughout the massage and the woman would not give up and kept making him stretch. She was sitting between his legs pulling his leg up and over her shoulders while he’s saying Stop! Stop!!! She answers, “Just wait, Just wait” and keeps pulling. Poor Ben.